One night when I was younger, I was up reading past my bedtime by the light from the bathroom. I was lost in my own little world of fiction and totally oblivious to everything around me: totally vulnerable.
The spider must have known this; it must have sensed my disconnect from reality, known that I had left myself open to attack. With a little smug grin on its spidery face, the bastard dropped down onto my face.
I promptly flung myself from the bed, crashing into the chest of drawers and smashing up my face, howling and crying and hopelessly trapped in my duvet.
Here’s how I felt, in a handy before and after format:
After that day I haven’t exactly been their biggest fan.
Last night, I stumbled across two massive ones in the bathroom, and I wasn’t surprised in the least to see them actually turn around, note my presence, and then go back to their poker game. It’s bad enough that the house is infested, but clandestine spider poker? In my bathroom? Too far you bastards. Too bloody far.
After I had wiped them out with the use of a shoe and some spray, I sat down, softly choking in the thick clouds of poison mist; wondering whether there was a better way: some circumstance in which spiders and myself could live in peace.
My conclusion was that spiders should be granted the ability to talk.
My reasoning goes like this: if spiders could talk, I’d be able to spot a spider and just tell him “Mate, don’t drop on my head, just stay in that corner, yeah?”
The spider would then be able to reply “No problem mate, just having a nap”.
Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Suddenly, spiders wouldn’t be so creepy anymore, they’d be awesome.
“Hey spider, you mind staying out of sight when I’m around? You creep me out a little, that’s all.”
“Sure dude, no worries, just going to chill out and have me some flies.”
Truly a perfect world.
The problem with this particular fantasy of mine however, is that I fail to take into account that the spiders won’t all be friendly surfer types: they’d more likely be massive dicks. Conversations between myself and spiders would probably go something like this:
“Hey spider, mind not running up my trouser leg?”
“You killed my mum last night.”
“Ah.”
Thinking about it, the social stress of it would begin to grate as well: when would you ever be able to relax? A spider might show up out of nowhere and engage you in dull conversation about the potential for your loft space. Their ability to talk would also complicate getting rid of them: would killing a talking spider be socially acceptable? Would it be classed as murder? I don’t even know anymore.
The more I think about it, talking spiders would be an absolute nightmare.
Imagine this interrupting your sleep at 3AM:
shudder
Dude, totally! Lol, tears of laughter gratitude running down my face. Can’t wait to read more, loving this site!
Cheers Jovonne, awesome to hear you liked the site that much! Will definitely be adding more, updating at least weekly for the moment!
Haha, loved it. I have a little spider friend in my room right now actually. At first I hated him but we’ve grown quite attached
I see you are going for the hyberboleandahalf.blogspot.com vibe. Not too shabby so far, good luck with it.
I think I might try one too.
I’m a big fan of hyperbole and a half, and I encourage anyone who likes my stuff to check it out, as it is infinitely better!
This just happened to me like two weeks ago! Except in my case it was a box elder and I crashed into my closet door. Absolutely terrifying nonetheless.
Oh my gosh…I want to meet you. You sound like you would be a blast to hang out with!
i have a spider buddy in my room! he usually goes on expeditions across my wall of art in the morning, at first he kind of creeped me out but it’s all cool now. :3
You are my hero. Just saying <3
I have always been deathly afraid of spiders, I don't know when it started. Or why. But if I see a spider in a room and I don't manage to kill it, I feel anxious and gross every time I go in that room for weeks. Sometimes I just avoid the room altogether. They're driving me out of my house, it's terrible!